the proposal

So, it happened. It was wonderful, exciting and not to ruin the ending but…she said yes! 

But to say it went off without a hitch would be, well, a lie. Of course we knew that sandy, the frankenstorm was on her way but as the day grew nearer, so did the looming threat of my beautifully planned proposal being washed down the drains of Massachusettes Avenue. So I grew anxious, restless and needless to say, bitchy.

I couldn’t sleep and every time I ate I though I was going to throw up. By October 28th I was in panic mode but carefully maintained a careless exterior. This was not simple. I also was trying to finalize plans with her parents, my parents, the dj, the flashmob, the choreographer, and every one of my friends who knew this was happening wanted to ask me how I was feeling. ugh. the stress. 

My cousin had come into town the day before to help calm my nerves and thank god she did or I just may not have made it. 

Now I have heard most proposal stories that begin with agitation during the day of the proposal with the significant other. By this I mean the girlfriend thought he was going to do it all day and was so angry that it wasn’t happening. Or of course the boyfriend/girlfriend is so nervous that they push away from their better half and it obviously results in resentment and confusion on the part of the askee. 

Well my day did not begin any differently. All day it seemed as though Jerilyn and I were at odds with each other. We were short and snippy  and of course I was on my phone all day which did not ease my sweetheart’s anger. I mean honestly after months of lies and sneaking around I was just about to burst and I really really wanted it all to just be over with (but not really). I had formed an emotion with a a good friend about a year ago that describes this feeling perfectly… we call it nervcited. Nervcited is fun when your more “cited” than “nerved” but eventually it evolved to the emotion I like to call…. “gonna lose my damn mind”.

So let’s summarize a bit. We are on the brink of experiencing worst hurricane on record for the east coast, girlfriend is angry at me, she’s unknowingly sabotaging my plans, and I am so nervous I’m about to pee.

Her parents arrive and I know that the dancers, choreographer, and flashmobbers are already there. I am in text with one of my best friends who knows my whereabouts to the minute. We arrive and I send the message “rounding the corner”…deep breath. 

My mother runs up to us with open arms for big hugs and then shortly after I hear the music start. A couple of the dancers trickle out and begin the routine I’ve seen a hundred times. For some reason it seems so new this time. My mother and I turn to look at Jerilyn’s expression to see if she is intrigued by the beginnings of a flashmob…the only look on her face is…disinterested. 

I attempt to engage her by mildly gawking at the numerous people dancing in front of us while I attempt to contain the  huge grin that I feel bursting through. 

Finally its my turn and I swing around to kiss her before I casually walk into the mob and start dancing along with them. She admits later that she really thought I was just joining in the flashmob because I thought I knew what I was doing. which i would never do…cough. A few moments later I’m down on one knee, asking the girl that changed my life to let me be in hers forever. 

I will never forget that moment and all of the people that made it possible. I honestly would not change one thing about that day and luckily neither would she. 

https://vimeo.com/52509786

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ten days

I can’t believe we are only ten days away! But I mostly can’t believe she hasn’t figured everything out yet. I got the ring the other day and i just keep wanting to show her! I can’t wait to see her face when she sees it for the first time. It’s about the only thing so far that I am sure will go well.

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It has been a roller coaster with preparing the flash mob. The first week turned out great and fifteen people showed up. I knew a lot more couldn’t make it so I was so excited to see how this past weeks was going to turn out, but needless to say I was a little disappointed. 

Tuesday came and it was a big day. The second rehearsal was at 5 o’clock and right after that I was going to pick up the ring. I was so excited all day. When I got to the rehearsal I saw two girls besides Briana (who is choreographing) and my heart sank. i couldn’t believe it. so i got us a rehearsal for the next day hoping that more people would have time. Well this time we got six. It was definitely better, Briana taught the six dancers and we have been posting the videos on the dance clubs page and Northeastern.

We only have two more before the actual proposal and I must say I’m very anxious to see how the turnout will be. I know everyone is capable but we need to have a solid few rehearsals or this thing is going to flop : / I know it doesn’t really matter but it would be pretty devastating to me if this didn’t work out.

I think the hardest thing about this entire situation is not having many of my friends though. I really miss them.Don’t get me wrong there have been a few people who have helped and been there for me the whole way and I couldn’t feel more lucky to have them around. But I went to pick up the ring by myself and I kept wanting to call someone and have her come with me but we haven’t talked in so long I thought it would be weird. We had always talked about our weddings though. And she always wanted to help. Now it’s here and I can’t seem to get her to notice I’m alive let alone getting engaged without her help. I keep trying to spark her interest but it doesn’t seem to matter. It’s hard when you always thought someone was going to be there for you and when you need them most they’re no where to be found.

I spent my life surrounding myself with people, trying to be a good friend and also trying so hard to feel like I wasn’t alone. I went through so many bad relationships and so much hurt from the people I dated but mostly from myself. And the friends I had brought me through it all. I always could count on them and I was always there for whatever they needed. 

When I met Jerilyn…it was the best moment of my life. I knew nothing was going to be the same but I didn’t think that my friends wouldn’t be there anymore. I know that I definitely wasn’t as present as I was when I was single but isn’t that natural? I’ve tried so many times to keep things going but it doesn’t seem like they even care anymore. I know that friends come and go but I really thought I had some good ones that were going to stick. And now they don’t seem to care less about how happy I am. Was I supposed to be sad and lonely forever? I guess if that’s how I needed to be to keep them around it’s not worth it right.

funny…it doesn’t make me feel any better. 

But at least I have someone that will stand by my side no matter what. That’s why I’m marrying her : ) And I couldn’t feel more lucky to have her in my life.

ten days…heere we go!

falling into place

Fall is here!! I love fall and so does Jerilyn. We’ve gone apple picking, decorated the apartment for halloween, made an apple pie…ugh its just wonderful. And things for the proposal are finally falling into place…

Tomorrow at 7:15 pm marks one month till the big day. I get more excited and nervous with every passing minute. So many steps have already been taken but there is still so much planning to do!

The hardest thing I am finding is the lying! I have to lie about all of the things I’m doing to prepare and as anyone who knows me can attest I am a HORRIBLE liar. Seriously I smile the entire time and occasionally giggle…its that bad. Luckily every time I have to meet up with someone to plot I have been able to easily cover it up and not have to lie about much.

The talk with her dad went exceptionally well for example. I was super nervous we weren’t going to be able to have a chance to be alone to talk but it basically the situation practically fell into our laps. We went out to dinner with her family on one of our regular visits to Rhode Island to celebrate her Auntie Toni’s and Auntie Sue’s birthdays. The wait at the restaurant was forty five minutes so there was a lot of debate about whether to stay or wait it out. Finally we conceded that Mr. Sawyer and I would stay with grandma and wait, while auntie Toni, mom and Jerilyn went to the store.

Grandma and I waited in the lobby and then her dad  came over and asked me if he could show me something at the bar. Once we were there he bought me a beer…

“not gonna get one of those three dollar beers are ya?” he says, referring to my regular selection of craft beers.

“no, no a bud is fine” I say, trying to move on from that quickly.

“SO,” he says “what do you want to talk to me about?”….

“well…” i say as my heart starts racing “I think you know that I care about Jerilyn very much and I think that she cares about me too…and well I think that we both …er…really love each other and are ready to begin our lives together…and we um want to take our relationship to the next level…and I was hoping that I could have your uh permission?”

“well what’s that next step gonna be?” he smiles at me

damn he’s gonna make me say it…“well you know uh…marriage!” I finally stammer out.

He smiles and says “you know Jerilyn is a very special girl and she means the world to me…and you know what? You’re a very special girl too…you have my permission I am a hundred and ten percent on board. I’m excited to see the life you two share, I know it is going to be great”

phew.

So we chat for a little longer, grab our beers and head out to meet grandma. When we got back everyone was waiting outside for us. We said we were just talkin politics and  drinkin beers at the bar,  neglecting grandma. Who was torn up about how we left her there.

But nothing was harder than seeing Jerilyn after that and not grabbing her and yelling in her face “HE SAID YES!!!”

…but I managed to contain my enthusiasm and just wore a big grin for the remainder of the evening.

Mission accomplished.

After that I had to lie about meeting with Hannah to plan out the dancing. It was easy enough as I was already meeting my friend Katrina for lunch and just slipped my meeting with Hannah in right before…. sooo sneaky!

Then I had to meet with the DJ…who by the way is DJ Leah V otherwise known as Leah McFly and she is the most bad ass lesbian DJ on the east coast. She is so pumped to do this for us and I am even more pumped to have her! awesome.

That one I covered up with meeting another friend for drinks while she auditioned for the singer showcase at Berklee (WHICH by the way she is IN!!! I am so proud of this girl I can’t even put it into words…300 Berklee students aka the best of the freakin best auditioned…they picked like 10 singers and she is one of them…amazing, seriously)

Anyhoo that one went off without a hitch. I have been very good trying to delete all of my emails, texts, etc so she does not see but it is so tough! She already caught me on one call and asked me why I called an old friend who I never talk to. But I was so surprised and caught off guard I couldnt come up with anything! Totally busted on that but it wasn’t anything major so it’s all good.

But everything is happening and I am SO excited. My cousin Adriana is coming up for the proposal and I cannot wait to…a) hang out with her finally and b) have someone to help me clean the poo from my pants on the day of.

I spoke with the guy from the haunted tour we are going on that night and he was sooo happy. Apparently they are very gay friendly so go Cambridge Haunts!

The DJ is all set just waiting on her to cut the track, we are gonna have rehearsals coming up, the most amazing person I know Briana Tartaglione, my best friend and roommate for the past four years is going to choreograph and I know it is going to be amazing….GAH…its happening.

Happy Fall Everyone!

the talk before the talk

So…this week has been crazy. Just trying to process all of the things that will need to go in to this proposal is insane. I finally put the deposit down on the ring last night and I am so excited to see how it turns out. I am waiting to hear back from some people that are helping me coordinate everything and the anticipation of it all is killing me. But nothing seems to compare to the scariest of all…D.A.D.

So typically it is traditional for boyfriends to ask the fathers of their girlfriends for their hand in marriage. I have always found this tradition very respectable and I like to believe it proves chivalry isn’t dead…even for me! : ) And while a lot of gay couples tend to reject traditional form when marrying their significant others, I know that a lot of us really want it to be the way everyone dreams weddings should be.

Like most little girls I always envisioned my father walking me down the aisle and lifting the veil before giving me away. I wanted to participate in all of the typical wedding day beliefs like not seeing my other half before the ceremony as it was bad luck. I don’t think that much of that really has to change and I think that Jerilyn and I deserve our day to be exactly as we want it to be.

With that in mind…there comes the issue of asking Jerilyn’s father for her hand. And that is….really freakin scary! I mean I know he likes me…at least I think he does…no he does (I hope). But enough to marry his daughter…his only daughter…his little girl…all of that…you get the idea…holy shit.

So, I call my mother. Because even if our conversations seem to go on forever with all of her valuable insights, she always has the best advice (including a nice thought to scare the shit out of me, like…”what if he says no?!”….thanks mom).

But as usual I was so glad I talked to her. She told me I  just have to suck it up and do it, gave me a good plan of action, wished me a little good luck and a lot of love and “click”. I was on my own.

So I thought there’s no better time than the present! Scrolled through my recent calls to find his number and hit call. He picks up and I assure him nothing is wrong, just that I would like to set up some time for us to talk privately, in person. “Okay”, he says, a little unsure and surely a bit concerned “We can try this weekend or whenever you would like” he replies.

“How about next week?” I mention

“Oh I don’t think I can wait that long, now I want to know yesterday.”

oh geez I think…”Okay well, we’ll figure it out, hopefully this weekend will work out” I finalize anxiously.

Done. Phew. The talk before the talk is over.

Then I pause and realize, what about my dad! I have to tell him since no one else will be asking him for permission.

Now I know my father is a fairly traditional and semi emotional guy. I am sure that is a moment he has been thinking about since I was born. And as a daughter who has always looked up to him, I try to keep the disappointments to a minimum.

So on to father number two.

As this entry is getting a little lengthy and so was our talk, I will summarize…

I am nervous, choking up a little bit, but manage to tell my father that I feel bad that he won’t get a lot of the things he has imagined for me. I assure him that I want it to be just like he always thought it would. Just with slight alterations. Like when he brings me down the aisle, there won’t be some studly man at the end. It’ll just be me, waiting for the most amazing woman to meet me there, with her dad.

After my edgy ramble he quickly and effortlessly rolled into his desires for nothing but happiness for us. No sense of regret or sadness but instead elation that his daughter is so happy and is about to take such a huge step in her life. He continued about how highly he thought of Jerilyn and he could see how strong we are together as a couple…

I managed not to cry…just told him that I could not ask for a better father in the world and I am so grateful he is the man that he is.

let’s start from the beginning…

Once upon a time I believed in fairy tales. I believed in them with all my heart. But I had a very hard time believing that they could happen to me…she changed everything.

To say I struggled with love…would be an understatement. Like so many before me I would jump hard and fall even harder. Each time that I would pick myself back up with the help of some great friends and each time it would get a little bit harder to do. A little bit harder for me and them :/ to pick up the pieces, but they never gave up on me.  Briana would tell me  It will be worth it…for every time you get hurt that’s how much more amazing she will be. I wanted to believe that too, but people also told me I wasn’t ready, when I was ready I would find her.

I convinced myself that they were right. I had to find myself first. I had to become okay with being me before I could ever find someone to love me the way I needed to be loved. 

Looking back I would say that is…partially true. I did have to gain confidence and find love for myself but I also needed her to help me find the rest. I am not trying to say by any means that I have made my way and I never have doubts in my life. But those doubts never go far when I know that I can come home to someone who loves me exactly the way that I am, even for things I’m not so crazy about myself.

But enough about me…because that is NOT what this is about. This is about us.  And our decision to make us forever.

We met in fairly unusual fashion and with out all the sappy details we could say it was here…

For those that are not familiar this is Boston on the corner of Mass Ave and Boylston Street. Berklee College of Music is right there to the right and right across from that on the left is where we met for the first time.

Now this was not an accidental meeting, she was in fact bringing a friend there to show her how to find me…for our date(mine and her friends date i mean). And the date went well…or so Jerilyn and I thought. I’m sure her friend would report something a little different.

And from there I couldn’t get her out of my mind. But I patiently waited until  I couldn’t bear to wait any longer. We went on a few dates (that we actually meant to go on with one another this time).  And on October 15th 2011, she could not bear to wait any longer either. The moment she asked me to be her girlfriend I already knew I was in love with her…